pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
