when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
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There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
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I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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