Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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