I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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