i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
