I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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