His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
