wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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