I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
