I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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