This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
