Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
