I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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