Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
