can we get nightvision for the apartment?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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