I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
