Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize