i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
