I met the friendliest cop last night
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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