that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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