I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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