Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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