he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
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i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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