my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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