and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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