Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
