This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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