So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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