I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my phone needs a breathalizer
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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