i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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