it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
