so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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