I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
