I wanna bring you to show and tell
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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