last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
