Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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