he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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