The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
