I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
