I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
