Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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