im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
