Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
someone owes me an orgasm
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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