All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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