Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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