I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
