If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
