What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
