this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
