I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
