i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
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Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
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Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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