Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
