I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
