new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
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We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
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Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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