Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
