At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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