Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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