You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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